Hatting a Mad Man Part 1

So, I don't know if anyone still ever comes on here, but just in case, this is an xover fanfic I wrote of Doctor Who and Alice in Wonderland.

Disclaimer: We all know I don't own Alice in Wonderland, or Doctor Who.

The hillside was empty, except for a tree, bent with age. But there was nothing really unusual about the scene.

Not yet anyway.

A sudden sound rang out and a blue box appeared. Vworp! Vworp! Vworp! It faded in and out until it became quite solid. A few moments later, the door opened and a girl with fiery ginger hair came out, her hair in a scarf. She looked around and stuck her head back into the box and called in a Scottish accent “Doctor! Are you coming?”

“Yes, yes!” A man's voice called from the depths of the box. “Me, coming, now!” He stepped out and the girl groaned when she saw him. He frowned at her and said “What? What's wrong?”

“You're wearing the fez again,” the girl said and she took the funny looking red hat off his head. He smiled and said “Of course, Amy. Fezzes are cool. Now give it back.”

“Like bow ties, I assume?” Amy asked, raising her eyebrows.

“Yes, exactly, now give it back,” he said, frowning, but before he could take it back, Amy threw the fez and it landed in a rabbit hole. A rather large rabbit hole, to be precise.

Amy!” The Doctor cried. “What did you do that for?”

It's just a fez, Doctor.” Amy said in exasperation and walked to the edge of the hole. “Doctor, come look at this! I can't see the bottom!”

“Amy, be careful, please,” the Doctor warned, but too late; the edge the hole collapsed and Amy screamed as she fell into the hole.

Amy!” The Doctor ran to the edge of the hole and peered down it. “Amy?” he circled around the hole, running his fingers through his hair before shouting into the hole “Amelia!” He looked around before looking back down the hole. A moment later, he smiled to himself and walked away from the hole. He turned back to it, ran and jumped in, shouting “GERONIMO!”

And so our adventure begins.

Music was playing softly in the background, over and over again. The Dormouse, or Mallymkun as she preferred to be called, was asleep inside of a teapot, and the March Hare was nodding off. But Terrant Hightopp was awake and deep in memories, his face somber. His scorched top hat had a few pins sticking out of it. There was a teacup in one hand and a saucer of another cup in the other hand. He was sipping, but absentmindedly, and he suddenly realized that his cup was empty, just as he had realized every few minutes. He frowned at the cup, as though it were the cup's fault he didn't have anymore tea. With a sigh, he put the cup down in the saucer and placed it on the table. He stood, looked around the table, then shouted “Clean cup! Move down!”

Mallymkun didn't hear, but the Hare jerked awake and screamed into her ear “Move down, Mally-Lass!”

“No, I'm asleep,” she grumbled stubbornly, not opening her eyes. The Hare and the Hatter ignored her and moved around the table until they settled down again in different chairs.

“Pass the sugar,” the Hatter asked and the March Hare threw it at him. He skillfully caught it and put a few lumps in his cup before pouring tea. He then resumed his somber expression and sipped at the tea. The Hare nodded off again. The Hatter looked at his tea and picked up a biscuit to go with it. They had jam in between two biscuits and the Hatter called them Jammies. They were quite good with tea.

His mind wandered away as he ate the biscuit. Memories of the past few days came over him and he smiled, if not a little wistfully. He wasn't exactly sure how long Alice had been gone, but it felt like an eternity. Still, she had promised to come back some day. In the meantime, he missed her and her muchness.

The garden gate opened and a man walked in, wearing a funny looking red hat on his head. He was looking around and frowning, but when he saw the tea party, he smiled and said “Ah! Don't mind me, but can you tell me where and when I am, and if you've seen a girl about this tall with red hair and-”

FEZ!” The Hatter shouted, pointing and jumped up. He stood on the table and walked down it, plucking the hat off of the man's head. He inspected it and frowned. “This is terribly made. Who made this? Fezzes should be made with delicacy! With talent! This was just thrown together by a mad man! No, no, no. That's not a fez.” He turned to his companions and shouted “This isn't a fez! It's just a piece of muck egg!” He turned back to the man and said “No, no, no. Come, come, I'll make you a fez.” He tossed the fez aside.

“Who are you?” The man asked curiously.

“Who am I? I'm...” The Hatter frowned. “I'm Terrant Hightopp. The last of the Hightopp clan...” He looked at the table behind him and said “Hare!”

The March Hare jerked away and moaned “How many apples does it take to reach the sky?”
“We have a guest!” The Hatter told him in delight. “This is...” he looked back at the man. “Who's this? Who are you again?”

“I'm the Doctor,” the man said. The Hatter roared with laughter and said “A doctor!” He turned back to the Hare and said “Did you hear that? This man's a doctor!”

“You're late for tea!” The Hare shouted and threw a teacup at a tree. It shattered and the Hatter laughed and climbed back over the table to his chair. “Would you like some tea, Doctor?”
“Why not?” The Doctor asked, shrugging. “But I can't stay long. I have to find a friend.”

The Hatter laughed and looked at the Hare. “I like this fellow! Why not, indeed?”

Alright,” the Doctor said, looking rather confused. The Hatter passed him the cup of tea and the Doctor looked at the plate of Jammies and he seemed to forget everything as he cried “Are... Are those... Jammie Dodgers?”

“Is that what they're called?” The Hatter asked, frowning. “I called them Jammies...”

The Doctor picked one up and bit into it. He smiled and said “So! You're a Hatter?”

“Indeed! The Hightopps have been employed by Her Majesty since... forever! We've always been employed by the Queen, but I'm the last one after...” He looked at his tea and stirred it, frowning slightly. Dark memories came back, but then he remembered Alice slaying the Jabberwocky responsible for the death of the Hightopp clan and he smiled ruthlessly.

“There' a ruler here?” The Doctor asked, looking interested.

“Indeed! The White Queen, recently placed back on the throne of Underland!” The Hatter said, smiling.

The Doctor thought before saying “Didn't you say you could make hats?”

“Indeed, Sir!” Said the Hatter proudly. “The very finest in Underland!”
“Can you make fezzes?” The Doctor asked.

“You insult me,” the Hatter replied, looking hurt. “I can make any hat.”

“Can you make me a fez?” The Doctor persisted.
“Can you pay?” The Hatter replied.

“Maybe. What do you accept?”

The Hatter looked at him and said “Not money. Money is of no use here. Do you have any pins?”

“Pins?” The Doctor frowned. He looked around on his body and said “No, no pins... I can cook! I learned in France!”

“Cook us a meal, then!” The Hatter said, smiling. He stood and said “Time to get to work!” He stood and said “Fairfarren, my friends!”

“Where're you goin'?” The Hare wailed as the Hatter and the Doctor walked off. The Hatter ducked as the Hare aimed a teacup at his head and the Doctor said “Is he okay?”
“He's mad,” the Hatter said simply. “Ah... Chessur.”

A cat appeared on a tree branch above above them. He smiled widely and said “Hullo, Terrant.”

“What do you want?” The Hatter asked, raising his eyebrows.

“Nothing. Who's your friend?” The Cat asked.

“I'm the Doctor,” the Doctor said.

“Doctor what?” The Cat asked, smiling.

“Well, that's new... Most people say Doctor who...”

“What sort of a name is that?”

“My name, apparently.”

“You're name's what?” The Cat said.

“I've just told you.”

“You have?”


“Yes what?”

“Just told you.”

“Told me what?”

The Doctor looked at the Hatter, who was watching the conversation in amusement. “Good day, Chess.”

“Indeed it is! Where are you off to?” The Cat asked, floating down to them.

“I'm going to make the Doctor a fez,” the Hatter said.

“Wonderful! May I come along? I do enjoy watching you make your hats,” the Cat purred.

“If you must,” the Hatter replied with a shrug. So, the trio made their way to the Hatter's house.

The Doctor looked around the house, seeing hats of all sorts. He would pick one up, put it on, take it off, put it back where he found it, and picked another one whilst the Hatter was working intently, grabbing red fabric and sewing, and creating the perfect fez.

The Doctor had tried on every hat in the house before finding a stetson. He smiled and put it on before turning to the Cat and smiling. “What do you think?”

The Cat looked at him for a moment before grinning. “You looked absolutely mad.”

“I am!” The Doctor said gleefully. “I'm a mad man with a box!”

“Where's your box?”

“Not here.”


“Well, I jumped in a hole after Amy and-”

“Who's Amy?” The Cat interrupted. The Doctor frowned and said “Amy's my friend. In fact, I don't know where she is right now. I don't even know where I am. Or, when I am.” He looked at the Cat and said “Could you tell me where and when I am?”

“You are in Underland, at the time of Celebration, for the White Queen is once again in the throne!” The Hatter called from where he was working, insistently forgetting he already told the Doctor this.

“I wonder where Amy is,” the Doctor wondered aloud, but no one had an answer. The Doctor sat down and said “Oh, where is that Pond?”

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